Saint Elsewhere

It's time to reach the edge

the cutting room floor

the beginning of the end

it's time to make the shit

hit the fan of my heart

and bolt throw me into 

saint elsewhere.

I'm tired of the pain
I feel when I think back
or when I go forward
to a place I've been before
or the attempt at opening a new door
trying to redefine the memory
for myself but it's all still there
the things I said
the things I did
the reasons for guilt
the reasons for pain
that won't go away
Can I ever get off this train?

Can I ever get the vision back
that sets me apart from the game
that made me who I was
that soul that got lost in the rain
before the flood, before the drain
Is it even possible to find
a piece of yourself you didn't mean
to set aside
Is it even possible to recreate the time
Or have I already been recreated blind.

Riffing

In the north woods of Minnesota
the dry heat Arizona
California summer
deep blue skies
sea rose and
fell
so did the
moon
ten billion times
and we dug up the
well of our hopes

addresses changed
but the names stayed the same
hit hard by the times and the strains
bigger decisions mounted the pain

villagers complained
in return of dead sons
daughters would soon
dress the part and
join ranks

many think
in the peak of their hour
they would live it again,
but die without power

television goony news
scripted to censor you
until it came time
for the weather
then it's always ok to be wrong

desert to
deep south
snakes and
field mouse
borrowed clothes
from the poor
stayed indoors
three days or more
Albert Finley
fixed carburetors
hand cleaner
turned
his black hands
white
fall shivered
in colorful sights
mosquito's crept in
broken window panes
and then the rain

Alabama
fortune tellers
Albuquerque bars and
dwellers
Carolina
over nighters
twenty hour drives with
delusional drivers
redneck over biters
peter Paul and
Mary Jane
passed the time
against the grain
pulled on through
the redwoods
landed home
but not for good

"Evenin' boredom
how ya doing
get you busy
minds a' brewin'"
never get the time
no progress
deep distress

Going back to smell
the Rocky wood
feeling my way around
the lofty dark
northwest hills
city parks

Birmingham bus rides
thick beers
flowered ears
getting no where
on purpose
why was I
here
what was my
purpose

Life is short
Eternity is forever.

People don't care how much you know
until they know how much you care.

He Will Rise Again

Where I increase may I decrease
Where I decrease may He increase
Take all of me
For where I am real
I am hidden
And where I am hidden
I am lost
So let me fade away
In all my vale appearance
So that He may unveil
The truth that makes me.

Alone time or Depression?

3/13/17 :    

It's because I've always been alone. My brothers and sisters left at 17 years old, I was 14. I rarely saw them ever since. I always kept in my room playing music or learning my guitar before that for the most part. I had long term girlfriends, but I lived either with my parents as a youth, with a temporary roommate, or in a place of my own. Yet, even then I never "moved in together" with my significant other.  That was the one value I never could break, coming from my Catholic upbringing. I always wanted to keep that situation for the right one. ...That's another story.
     My point is that, I am where I am because of my physical separation, personal beliefs, and the space and time I've created for myself to be alone, away from those I love. This includes my family, my friends, and the ones I've fallen in love with. There's always been a time of departure in my relationships to go our separate ways, either during one day, or for part of the week, or for weeks at a time. Leaving so much time to be alone. Creating conditioning to that time alone. That conditioning which started when I kept locking myself in my bedroom learning music as a kid. That conditioning which kept me in my journals and reading. That conditioning which created a desire for travel. That conditioning that kept me on the road. That conditioning that kept me creative. That conditioning that plagued my relationships. That conditioning that kept me going deeper. That conditioning that keeps me numb. That conditioning that prevents human interaction. That conditioning that fears talking on the phone. That conditioning that keeps me separated from commitment. That condition that keeps me alone. All the while during my relationships, I've lived apart from my lover. From the big picture, I've only spent a small amount of time spending the whole day with someone, going to bed and waking up with someone day after day. Perhaps remembering the feeling of those very special kind of days and nights is what pangs the inside of me against this conditioning of alone time.
     When a person creates so much time to be alone, for so many years, it creates in them a desire for that time internally or mentally. They want their "alone time" more and more. There's always that longing of closing the door behind you and shutting yourself in a room with your books or music or guitar. As you get older the feeling turns from creative freedom to quiet despair. As if the saying is true; the longer one stays alone, the greater a chance they will remain alone through the course of their life. For me, it seems to be the case.
     Whatever I've done to steer myself in the wrong direction or wherever God has taken the course of my life in the right direction, I am where I am, and I notice the patterns and the reasons, the consequences, and even the untold various ways I cope with the suffering routine. I am alone. With or without someone. And I am tired of loneliness. Because it's a condition. Because it's an addiction. And I have felt trapped for so long. And it has beat me down. I have beat myself down. It's called Depression. God gives me life, but I waste it. Why would I waste such a precious gift? Why have I always been depressed?

Go up the mountain
seek the sun
walk the path
do not run
Wayward roads
started but undone
finish the ends
the breaks. the tares, the bends
the fears, the losses, the trends
the bones, the hearts, the flesh
and all the rest

Lay the mountain down
put it upon my chest
lying straight faced up
stones on my head
on my back cold rock
lay the mountain down
after you've picked it up
only a mustard seed
at the bottom of my cup

If it has always been wrong
then I should feel no loss,
But if every time I tried
there was a real chance at success
then I've lost a lot for sure.

Lord,

Bring me what you want for me
Take away this longing
this endless struggle
fly me to a reason to move out of the country
take me away from my own mess.

Endless

Who am I kidding?

Perhaps 

only a couple people

and myself

I am completely uninspired, bored, and unhappy

today.

I'm just not joyful anymore
and barely feel happy
I'm not depressed
or am I
There must be more
to this life I've been given
who would want to die
with me
but also plan a life
and a family
it's unimaginable
to me
where I am
what I'm doing now
but would I feel the same
five years from now
living on a farm
pulling a plow?

Raisin Bran Days and Rainy Mondays

Remind me of those once in a one days,
gone by...

INFJ

I spent some time in anxiety over my weekend today, dear diarya of my thoughts...

I wondered why I can never leave my house much, and do the things I think about doing while I'm working... its a three day weekend, I feel like I wasted. I totally blew it, and this kind of thing bums me out. So I put my thumbs over my eyes and massaged them for a few minutes, and this is what returned to my memory INFJ... so I re-read my portrait, it explains this anxiety., and perhaps more of the roots to why I changed jobs.  Have I gotten too weak to extend that much energy to people in one day? Hence, the mello, much quieter new position I have purposely put myself in.... ....... ...... ....... ....farms..deltas ...blues... back roads....long looks.... slow time.. no city.... another city?... wasting time? Wrote myself into anxiety.

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Matthew 19:24

It has been said. "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Whom for then God, shall I give my house?
How for then Lord, shall I share my lot?
What then Lord, shall I do for you?

When a man sits atop a mountain in his castle, what good is his castle if it is empty?
With a house full of riches, but empty of family, what then, is the worth of the occupant?

On earth, in the eyes of God, I believe I am a rich man. Wealth in land and goods and friends. But what good am I, if I keep it for myself?

There are rules for belief in religion. There are ways to live righteously. And there are commandments that shouldn't be broken. So many rules that keep me from making a decision that would help me share what I have, as well as help me cover the cost of living that is growing.

To live with another, and share the wealth I have been blessed with can go two ways.
Marriage or friendship.  Ideally, I choose the former. But since I am not suited with a love, or a wife, I have to choose the latter. If I choose at all. But that complicates living so much more. 

In my domesticated earthly life, I do not want to live with another male. I'm just not fond of that idea at all. I've spent my time as bachelor long enough. Far, far too long I feel. And the longer a man lives alone, the longer away are his chances at having a successful life in marriage. 

Yet, here I am; wealthy in roof, wealthy in accommodations, wealthy in house and home, but with not the means to share it, the way God sees sharing it rightfully.

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

Today in this pseudo-social society our presence is as meaningful as a paper airplane
Words are still important to some, pictures more important to others
the self; most important to most
Can you see the sky? Can you feel the morning?
Are you called by something greater
Are you in New York City? Are you in the ground?
I thank the Lord for the people I have found
If I was in Spanish Harlem I'd still smile unbelongingly
Some hobos drown
Some loiters leave
I'd drive all the way to Staten Island
to receive the light in my eyes and find
Living in the city gets so small
There's nothing more to do to love my animals
But their affection is the same for their food bowl
If I played the game of thrones, I'd be John Snow.

Uncle Steve

My uncle died this morning.
We had coffee on his porch together a few years ago
He comforted my broken heart that day
He sat silently saying nothing with me for hours
He looked long at me
He chose his words wisely
He made every sip count
He was tender
He was all loving
He knew when to stay away
and when to be there
for our family
He loved my aunt dearly
He showed me how to grow apple trees
He taught me the philosophy of growing apple trees
He told me, "in fact, it's quite the contrary,
an apple does fall far from the tree."
He lived a simple, rich, quiet life
and brewed beer like a monk
He loved you with a quiet, stone-like solid sincerity
We drank his beer all day and never felt drunk
We ate his apples until we were full
I didn't see him much over the years
but when you lose sight of a real friend
you'll always see them the same, when you do
Here's to you John Steven
May the Lord's peace carry you home
dear friend.

Lunch time writing

I've been taking a lot better care of myself lately.

Smoking less, drinking a lot less, eating less, not eating late, going to bed earlier, not putting vile images in head and fulfilling my flesh, reading and watching purer things, following sacraments, and easing broken relationships and ending friendships that were toxic. 

Doing many of these things, I assumed, would help my body to feel better...

However, days like today; having not drank alcohol or smoked last night, ate a good meal, went to bed early, I still woke up with hungover-like symptoms. And often I still do. Today, I just don't feel right in my body and mind. I feel sick. Is it just another sick wave going around, even though I caught it two weeks ago and beat it? I feel so fatigued and headaches are more often. I just don't understand it. I'm beginning the process of finding a doctor. Thank God that I now have the ability to do so after so many years. 

That Being Said

Some people are pure light
When they fall, it's not into a pit
When they anger, there is not hate in it

Some people are pure light
You will never catch them in a lie
Or feel anything but love coming from inside

Some people are pure light
So bright they're untouchable
So pure it's unquestionable

Some people are pure light
Their simplicity is humbling
Their beauty is stumbling

Some people are pure light
Without a stitch of wickedness
Without a thread of darkness

Some people are pure light.

May I remain in light.

I keep learning that I'm learning. That I take up what I should put down.
That sometimes helping is hurting. That words can be so valuable, yet so misunderstood.
That the closer I get to someone, the further away I want to be from them.
That I may be dreaming of a sweeter past, or I may not be remembering the bitter taste of it.
But which is it? I keep learning that I'm learning. And for that, I feel unfulfilled and grey.
God has been the only thing sets me straight again with everything, with everyone.
Practicing the life of cleanliness and holiness keeps my tangling thoughts at bay.
I have to exclude people from my life in order to follow this path.
Yet the hurtle of leaving them aside is most often too great for my compassion.
Though, it is long overdue; darkness and dwelling just doesn't interest me anymore.
Yet, I have taken up a roll that once again has proved to point me towards darkness.
Sometimes helping is hurting. Sometimes, I just shouldn't help. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being lied to, manipulated, or belittled... Darkness. All of it. Whether it's true or not. Darkness.
Some say, "You can only help so much", "You can't live like that forever", "Haven't you been through this before?" "You care too much." "Your concern is misunderstood."
Whatever is the right way to say it, something about all of it rings true.
"You can lead a horse to the water...."
You can lead a person from darkness to light, but it's only a desire for the light that can keep them from the darkness. Who they follow through the dark is not the source of the light.
May God grant them peace.
I've grown too impatient to be entertained by darkness anymore.
Yet, I am challenged to take grey areas and separate them into either black or white, (dark or light) and then, present a choice.
I have often chosen wrong myself. I have been lured in by the mysterious dark, thinking I could illuminate it away. And most very often I have only been trapped in by it.
When I finally crawl out to my senses again, I'm presented that choice again. And again, and again, even with all my failing, I choose the light.
But I've grown tired of this choosing.
God,
May I remain in light?

In the event of my passing.

In the event of my passing
may the Lord carry me on
For I will be done with all my roaming
having never found my home

In the event of my passing
know that I learned my song
For every day was a melody waiting
that I heard but sang it wrong

In the event of my passing
look underneath the floor
For each day I built the future
I buried the past a little more

In the event of my passing
open every box
For some things stay hidden
that should never have been lost

In the event of my passing
may God find me whole
For I have never felt so empty
as when my body turns away from my soul

In the event of my passing
may my loved ones all have peace
For they knew somewhere inside
that I should be released

In the event of my passing
let the words of God resign me
For even after every puff of smoke
I always waited on His timing

Now What?

Something that is very eye/heart opening to me about getting better after a life of depression, is realizing you don't know how to handle a lot of consistent joy in your life. This is my experience. I often develop thoughts like, "man, this day is so damn beautiful, and you haven't screwed it up, and you've done so much already today, people are smiling, God is with you, you're fulfilled...now what?"

Memory

    A couple days ago, I had a lot to say. I had connected the dots and filled in the gaps. My mind was telling me something. My heart was making sense of my journey. I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, not trying to sleep, not looking at a screen of any sort. Just had time to lay down and do nothing. I laid on the bed for a while realizing...things.  Then I went into the bathroom. Sat there a while. Thinking about writing again; I had so much good sense to put down on paper, so much to say.  After the bathroom, I must have started doing something else...because I don't remember anything I was thinking.
    As I'm only remembering that I had "something" to say, yet not the context, all I can think is, perhaps the point is, write it all down exactly when you're being compelled to do so from within.
I regret not doing that.
    Sometimes I wonder if losing your memory is a blessing. Usually, I think its a curse. If you're a better person in general, a more stable person, a happier person more often, who's not controlled by emotions anymore, who doesn't feel the pain of confusion and doubt so prevailing in my heart and mind anymore, a more confident person, isn't that a blessing?
    Or have I transformed into a man with a selfish heart?
    I am not free of responsibility in who I am today, but God did the real work. I did the dysfunctional  parts.  However, God has made me very aware of each path that I should and shouldn't go, and each one I get stuck down. More and more, as long as I'm staying close, he strengthens me to overcome self-inflicted burdens I've carried my whole life. I mean, I have no choice in my faith. The truth happens to you. You can't unbelieve an obvious presence of God in your life very easily. So with this strength, there go I. I'd call that a blessing many fold.