Something that is very eye/heart opening to me about getting better after a life of depression, is realizing you don't know how to handle a lot of consistent joy in your life. This is my experience. I often develop thoughts like, "man, this day is so damn beautiful, and you haven't screwed it up, and you've done so much already today, people are smiling, God is with you, you're fulfilled...now what?"
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Memory
A couple days ago, I had a lot to say. I had connected the dots and filled in the gaps. My mind was telling me something. My heart was making sense of my journey. I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, not trying to sleep, not looking at a screen of any sort. Just had time to lay down and do nothing. I laid on the bed for a while realizing...things. Then I went into the bathroom. Sat there a while. Thinking about writing again; I had so much good sense to put down on paper, so much to say. After the bathroom, I must have started doing something else...because I don't remember anything I was thinking.
As I'm only remembering that I had "something" to say, yet not the context, all I can think is, perhaps the point is, write it all down exactly when you're being compelled to do so from within.
I regret not doing that.
Sometimes I wonder if losing your memory is a blessing. Usually, I think its a curse. If you're a better person in general, a more stable person, a happier person more often, who's not controlled by emotions anymore, who doesn't feel the pain of confusion and doubt so prevailing in my heart and mind anymore, a more confident person, isn't that a blessing?
Or have I transformed into a man with a selfish heart?
I am not free of responsibility in who I am today, but God did the real work. I did the dysfunctional parts. However, God has made me very aware of each path that I should and shouldn't go, and each one I get stuck down. More and more, as long as I'm staying close, he strengthens me to overcome self-inflicted burdens I've carried my whole life. I mean, I have no choice in my faith. The truth happens to you. You can't unbelieve an obvious presence of God in your life very easily. So with this strength, there go I. I'd call that a blessing many fold.
As I'm only remembering that I had "something" to say, yet not the context, all I can think is, perhaps the point is, write it all down exactly when you're being compelled to do so from within.
I regret not doing that.
Sometimes I wonder if losing your memory is a blessing. Usually, I think its a curse. If you're a better person in general, a more stable person, a happier person more often, who's not controlled by emotions anymore, who doesn't feel the pain of confusion and doubt so prevailing in my heart and mind anymore, a more confident person, isn't that a blessing?
Or have I transformed into a man with a selfish heart?
I am not free of responsibility in who I am today, but God did the real work. I did the dysfunctional parts. However, God has made me very aware of each path that I should and shouldn't go, and each one I get stuck down. More and more, as long as I'm staying close, he strengthens me to overcome self-inflicted burdens I've carried my whole life. I mean, I have no choice in my faith. The truth happens to you. You can't unbelieve an obvious presence of God in your life very easily. So with this strength, there go I. I'd call that a blessing many fold.
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