I keep learning that I'm learning. That I take up what I should put down.
That sometimes helping is hurting. That words can be so valuable, yet so misunderstood.
That the closer I get to someone, the further away I want to be from them.
That I may be dreaming of a sweeter past, or I may not be remembering the bitter taste of it.
But which is it? I keep learning that I'm learning. And for that, I feel unfulfilled and grey.
God has been the only thing sets me straight again with everything, with everyone.
Practicing the life of cleanliness and holiness keeps my tangling thoughts at bay.
I have to exclude people from my life in order to follow this path.
Yet the hurtle of leaving them aside is most often too great for my compassion.
Though, it is long overdue; darkness and dwelling just doesn't interest me anymore.
Yet, I have taken up a roll that once again has proved to point me towards darkness.
Sometimes helping is hurting. Sometimes, I just shouldn't help. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being lied to, manipulated, or belittled... Darkness. All of it. Whether it's true or not. Darkness.
Some say, "You can only help so much", "You can't live like that forever", "Haven't you been through this before?" "You care too much." "Your concern is misunderstood."
Whatever is the right way to say it, something about all of it rings true.
"You can lead a horse to the water...."
You can lead a person from darkness to light, but it's only a desire for the light that can keep them from the darkness. Who they follow through the dark is not the source of the light.
May God grant them peace.
I've grown too impatient to be entertained by darkness anymore.
Yet, I am challenged to take grey areas and separate them into either black or white, (dark or light) and then, present a choice.
I have often chosen wrong myself. I have been lured in by the mysterious dark, thinking I could illuminate it away. And most very often I have only been trapped in by it.
When I finally crawl out to my senses again, I'm presented that choice again. And again, and again, even with all my failing, I choose the light.
But I've grown tired of this choosing.
God,
May I remain in light?
