3/13/17 :
It's because I've always been alone. My brothers and sisters left at 17 years old, I was 14. I rarely saw them ever since. I always kept in my room playing music or learning my guitar before that for the most part. I had long term girlfriends, but I lived either with my parents as a youth, with a temporary roommate, or in a place of my own. Yet, even then I never "moved in together" with my significant other. That was the one value I never could break, coming from my Catholic upbringing. I always wanted to keep that situation for the right one. ...That's another story.
My point is that, I am where I am because of my physical separation, personal beliefs, and the space and time I've created for myself to be alone, away from those I love. This includes my family, my friends, and the ones I've fallen in love with. There's always been a time of departure in my relationships to go our separate ways, either during one day, or for part of the week, or for weeks at a time. Leaving so much time to be alone. Creating conditioning to that time alone. That conditioning which started when I kept locking myself in my bedroom learning music as a kid. That conditioning which kept me in my journals and reading. That conditioning which created a desire for travel. That conditioning that kept me on the road. That conditioning that kept me creative. That conditioning that plagued my relationships. That conditioning that kept me going deeper. That conditioning that keeps me numb. That conditioning that prevents human interaction. That conditioning that fears talking on the phone. That conditioning that keeps me separated from commitment. That condition that keeps me alone. All the while during my relationships, I've lived apart from my lover. From the big picture, I've only spent a small amount of time spending the whole day with someone, going to bed and waking up with someone day after day. Perhaps remembering the feeling of those very special kind of days and nights is what pangs the inside of me against this conditioning of alone time.
When a person creates so much time to be alone, for so many years, it creates in them a desire for that time internally or mentally. They want their "alone time" more and more. There's always that longing of closing the door behind you and shutting yourself in a room with your books or music or guitar. As you get older the feeling turns from creative freedom to quiet despair. As if the saying is true; the longer one stays alone, the greater a chance they will remain alone through the course of their life. For me, it seems to be the case.
Whatever I've done to steer myself in the wrong direction or wherever God has taken the course of my life in the right direction, I am where I am, and I notice the patterns and the reasons, the consequences, and even the untold various ways I cope with the suffering routine. I am alone. With or without someone. And I am tired of loneliness. Because it's a condition. Because it's an addiction. And I have felt trapped for so long. And it has beat me down. I have beat myself down. It's called Depression. God gives me life, but I waste it. Why would I waste such a precious gift? Why have I always been depressed?
It's because I've always been alone. My brothers and sisters left at 17 years old, I was 14. I rarely saw them ever since. I always kept in my room playing music or learning my guitar before that for the most part. I had long term girlfriends, but I lived either with my parents as a youth, with a temporary roommate, or in a place of my own. Yet, even then I never "moved in together" with my significant other. That was the one value I never could break, coming from my Catholic upbringing. I always wanted to keep that situation for the right one. ...That's another story.
My point is that, I am where I am because of my physical separation, personal beliefs, and the space and time I've created for myself to be alone, away from those I love. This includes my family, my friends, and the ones I've fallen in love with. There's always been a time of departure in my relationships to go our separate ways, either during one day, or for part of the week, or for weeks at a time. Leaving so much time to be alone. Creating conditioning to that time alone. That conditioning which started when I kept locking myself in my bedroom learning music as a kid. That conditioning which kept me in my journals and reading. That conditioning which created a desire for travel. That conditioning that kept me on the road. That conditioning that kept me creative. That conditioning that plagued my relationships. That conditioning that kept me going deeper. That conditioning that keeps me numb. That conditioning that prevents human interaction. That conditioning that fears talking on the phone. That conditioning that keeps me separated from commitment. That condition that keeps me alone. All the while during my relationships, I've lived apart from my lover. From the big picture, I've only spent a small amount of time spending the whole day with someone, going to bed and waking up with someone day after day. Perhaps remembering the feeling of those very special kind of days and nights is what pangs the inside of me against this conditioning of alone time.
When a person creates so much time to be alone, for so many years, it creates in them a desire for that time internally or mentally. They want their "alone time" more and more. There's always that longing of closing the door behind you and shutting yourself in a room with your books or music or guitar. As you get older the feeling turns from creative freedom to quiet despair. As if the saying is true; the longer one stays alone, the greater a chance they will remain alone through the course of their life. For me, it seems to be the case.
Whatever I've done to steer myself in the wrong direction or wherever God has taken the course of my life in the right direction, I am where I am, and I notice the patterns and the reasons, the consequences, and even the untold various ways I cope with the suffering routine. I am alone. With or without someone. And I am tired of loneliness. Because it's a condition. Because it's an addiction. And I have felt trapped for so long. And it has beat me down. I have beat myself down. It's called Depression. God gives me life, but I waste it. Why would I waste such a precious gift? Why have I always been depressed?
